In Which There is a Cloud of Emo

Once again, I'm using this blog as a place to empty all the whirling, twisting thoughts in my head.

There's no need to get into the detail, but it seems that everywhere I turn, I'm reminded of my inadequacies. It seems that I'm surrounded by lack instead of fulfillment, and it's getting harder and harder to shake those feelings off and keep my chin up.

With increasing regularity, good news is almost immediately voided by bad news in my life, and it's wearing me down, down, down, to the point where, presently, I feel that my grip on contentment is tenuous at best.

It's not a matter of my mental place being depressed; it's a matter of ceaseless difficulties in various arenas of life wearing on me, and I'm so. very. tired. It's a bit like my will to fight it all off has been chipped away into it's weakest form. I dislike this weakness more than I can say.

Really, this blog is just an FYI to say that if I seem distant, that's why. While the old adage "this too shall pass" is one I'm wholly aware of, I feel that it's a bit of a joke with regard to my life, at present. And, because I don't want to be a Cloud of Emo all over the place, I tend to withdraw when I'm feeling permanently stressed, which is what's been going on for at least 4 months at this point. And in varying degrees since 2009, before that.

Suffice to say, I've been having a rough time for a long time, and I'm tired.

Good thoughts are appreciated.

- A

People, Words, Music, and Lack

I turned 30 in December, and since then, I've come to a lot of realizations about life and where I want to be and what everything means. It's a bit like I disappeared into the book The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and instead of coming up with 42, I got the real answer. Not that 42 isn't a real answer. Or something. And if you don't get that joke, I'm very sad for you.

Anyway.

Thing is, for several years, I've done what was easy for me.

Roughly translated: My life has sorely been lacking in passion.

I don't mean in my marriage or my friendships or whatever. And obviously, I've been writing a ton for the last few years, both on this blog and in other places, but what I mean is that I go to work, I come home. I go to work, I come home. I go to work. I come home.

And I'm bored all the while.

Because the fact of the matter is that I don't care about accounting, and that's what I work in, mostly because it's easy for me to get a job in that arena, and therefore: I am bored. I do good work, I'm efficient, and it's simple, for me. But I'm bored.

I did an inventory - a balls out sort of inventory, where I really tried to iron out my priorities. At the end of the day, here's the short list of things I care about, save my immediate family and friends (who are, generally speaking, more like family than most of the people who are technically classified as family based on genetic connectivity):

- people (both in and out of my life)
- words (i.e. writing and reading)
- music (no explanation necessary)

Yeah. No math.  No numbers. No office work.

Go figure.

So, anyway, this has been a really long, rambling way to get around to this announcement:

I'm going back to school, hopefully this fall, to get my Master's in Counseling from Saint Ed's. It's a 2-3 year program, exceptionally affordable by comparison to most of the other programs in this area, and I want it so bad I can taste it. Ken is wholly supporting, and feels a bit like "I told you so!" because he predicted this would happen years ago, as most people know.

When I think about what this would allow me to include in my life, I am giddy with excitement. I could work with people, day in, day out. I could make a difference in their lives, just by listening and offering quiet thoughts in return, if they want them. I could probably work part time and make more than I make doing my stupid accounting job, and I'd be happier, to boot. And that happiness? It's worth the strain of preparing to take (and ace?) the GRE, as well as managing life with a husband (who will also be in school) and a precocious daughter and school, all at once. Also, a social life.

Anyway.

So, yes, hopefully, you're reading the blog of a graduate of Saint Edward's University, Class of 2015 or 2016. Seeing LPC/LMFT behind my name is going to be pretty damn awesome.

P.S. For those of you wondering, yes, I am still querying my manuscript, and yes, I will still be writing. I will always write. Period.
P.S.S. It's Licensed Professional Counselor/Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I'd want both certifications.
 

Marissa Meyer at Book People

#59 on my 101/1001 list is to attend 5 author events. I'm really excited to say that I've gotten to check one off this list this evening!

Book People, Austin's indie bookstore, held an event this evening for Marissa Meyer's SCARLET tour. for those of you who may not know, Meyer is the author of The Lunar Chronicles, which is her reworking/revamping a set of four classic fairytales. The first in the series is CINDER, a cyborg, futuristic retelling of Cinderella. The newest installment is centered on a reworked Little Red Riding Hood, and it's called SCARLET.

(Sidenote: Amazing cover art, no? Some of my favorites, if I'm honest, and I'm hoping the publisher doesn't decide to change them mid-series. I'd be super bummed.)




What I really love about this series is that, really, Meyer has just kept to the bones of the original material, so Cinder's stepmother is evil, and Scarlet's grandmother is missing, but she generally deviates from the rest of the story. Basically, she leaves enough there to allow the reader to make some educated assumptions about the characters, and those assumptions generally play out as you'd expect them to.

And yes, there is a big, bad Wolf in Scarlet. And he's about 100 kinds of delicious, but that is probably beside the point.

Book People is really one of my favorite places in town, so I was really excited to head down there this evening, and they definitely did not disappoint. There were a good number of chairs set up, and they had the cutest snack set up, which really surprised me. Every author event I've ever been to was just Q&A and the author reading a bit of their book. Here's a pic that I posted on Instagram from the event:

 Seriously? Cutest thing ever.

Anyway, Marissa is super adorable. She shared her story - how she started writing, how she began writing CINDER, in particular, and what the inspiration for her writing at all was. It turns out that she started writing Sailor Moon fan fiction, which is probably the best thing I've heard in a long time.

She read two pieces of her novel, and then told a few classic fairytales - Cinderella and Red Riding Hood, of course - in their original formats - no Disney here! Then, she opened the floor up for questions, and there were some really great ones (and one real clunker, but that's besides the point). I asked what we could expect from her - will she be writing more fairytale retellings, or is she interested in expanding into other genres? As it turns out, she's got ideas for two other series, a paranormal thriller and a contemporary one (both YA), and she's just sold a stand alone novel, but it's so new that she couldn't release any real details about it, aside from saying it's a fantasy sort of story.

I really enjoyed the discussion this evening, and Marissa is an inspiration for a writer like me - in listening to the story of her beginnings, I feel we have a lot of similarities, which was a really cool thing to realize. Normally, I'd have purchased a book and had it signed by her, but initially, I didn't think I'd be able to attend this event, so I ordered a signed copy from my favorite book store in Nashville, and it's on the way, via mail to me. (Regardless, though, I've already read an ARC of SCARLET, and it's pretty damn fabulous.)

This was a great event, and I hope Book People has more like it, and soon...

And now begins the incomprehensible wait for book 3, CRESS.

letting go

i'll warn that what you're about to read is a ramble of the worst kind, but hey, it's my blog, right? rambling is probably just fine.

it's strange, isn't it, when your friends become friends, and then sort of drop you like it's nothing. or when you suddenly realize that you're the outsider when you used to be the connective glue that held some other things together. when you realize that there's not much you can really do, either, because things have changed and that's just how it is.

it's the feeling that you're unimportant to people you used to matter to that smarts the most.

it's funny, because for a good number of years, i was certain that these sort of realizations were behind me, something i dealt with just after high school and then everything settled down, all lovely and comfortable and such. but the truth is that i'm dealing with this in a handful of arenas in my personal life at present, and it's really strange how much the constant flow of social media has to do with my awareness of this phenomena in my life. it's one of those things that i know i wouldn't be as cognizant of if everything wasn't so right-at-my-fingertips, if "likes" and facebook statuses and tweets and the like were not a thing.

this idea of whether social media helps or hinders life is something that can be debated in circles, probably forever, and i'd argue that it does both. i'd also say that, for some, social media gives a false sense of intimacy and for others a false sense of distance. it's a weird world we're living in, isn't it?

it really, really is.

i don't mean to sound like i'm sitting in my living room pouting about how much of a sad panda i am, but it's just been a hard thing to process for me, for a plethora of reasons i won't outline here. i have probably needed to say something, somewhere, for a good chunk of time at this point. so here i am, venting a little of the self-propelled angst i've been contemplating as of late.

the lovely thing - the silver lining, if you will - is that through this rather intense life lesson, i've learned that, though the truly strong, grounded relationships that remain in my life are few - - they are there. and they are real. and i appreciate those few folks more than words can really say. and as for the rest...

i'm learning how to let go.

this isn't to say that i won't be available if there is ever a time that the waning friendships begin to redevelop or even start to become something new and fresh, but for my sanity, for my emotional well being, and for my peace of mind...

i'm learning to let go. and while i can't say that it necessarily feels good at this point, it feels necessary, and that feels good.

that is all.

101/1001 - #23 - Random Acts of Kindness

#23 on my list is to do 5 random acts of kindness. there are a few qualifiers, for me, for this one. i can't know the people well and, whenever possible, i need to remain "out of sight, out of mind," for lack of a better phrase. basically, i really don't want them to be able to come say thanks. it just needs to me a kind thing i did that will, hopefully, put a smile on their face. monetary or not, it doesn't matter. just something, for someone else, that i wasn't asked to do.

1. took neighbor's trash downstairs for them (it was waiting outside their door). 3 flights of stairs, single dad, two daughters and one son. and though we don't know him, he's a police officer. least i can do, really. 2/2/2013

101/1001 - #56: Paint a canvas - Done!

i went to a great painting class tonight with a dear friend. it was one of those classes where everyone paints the same prompted image, and it was held at GeeBerry Art Studio here in austin, texas. it was so fun, and the instructors were really wonderful. we're already planning to go back.

so, here are a few photos. pardon the probably questionable quality; they're from my really old 3G iPhone.

me, painting the initial blue background.

near the beginning of the process - just the background colors.

outline for my eiffel tower

 

 

finished product

so, i'm definitely *not* a painter. i'm also really heavy handed with the paint, but i found that i really like the texture the canvas has as a result. 

our table was most definitely the coolest of the four, and all the ladies we were with were really kind and funny. i definitely recommend taking one of geeberry's classes to anyone, because everyone is really supportive, so it's a really low stress environment where you can just sort of create what you create. 

they offer kinds courses from age kindergarten up, so i'll definitely be looking to take my munchkin when she's of age. 

regardless of my personal talent, though, this was a really good time. you should try it yourself. :)

p.s. when i arrived home, my husband's first response, aside from telling me he liked it a lot, was to say, "hmm, the eiffel tower or narcissism at its best?" hardy har har, sir. hardy har har. ;)