In Which I Ramble About Identity

This post is inspired by a few things that would seem unrelated to one another, perhaps to anyone else's eye or mind, but for me, they all correlated, so here we are.

What I'm about to ramble about for a bit is the result of a quote from a YA novel, some self-analysis I've gone through in the last few weeks, my thoughts on many of the people in my generation, and an image that a friend shared on Facebook.

Yes, really.

And we'll start off with something a bit personal, so consider yourself warned.

01: I struggle with depression. 

I don't think you all understand how huge it is for me to actually label it as such. For years at this point, I've known that I tend to get dark and twisty. That once my mind delves into those depths, I often have a hard time shaking it off - - but the fact that I could, in fact, shake it off without assistance from medication, made me think that if I labeled what I experience as depression, it cheapened the very idea of struggling emotional health.

In hindsight, I can see the exact moment in which I began to isolate my mental and emotional struggles from the rest of my self, like they were unworthy of consideration. And really, how sad is it that I considered myself in such a poor light? I'm a strong personality, and I know that. And I've only just recently admitted that I have been doing this for a handful of years at this point.

In hindsight, I can see when my struggles began. It hasn't been a life long thing. I can see where it began, and where it worsened, and where it took me over, and even now, I know that I can shake it off. I am strong in will and mind power, and I can do this. I know I don't need medication, though it's possible that I'll look for a therapist at some point, just to have an outlet.

I've always said that my high degree of self-awareness could be both a blessing and a curse. At this point, I'm still getting used to labeling my struggles as depression, but I think it's a step toward reconciling all the roles I feel that I portray in my life, so I'm ok with it.

02: The quote that made me think. 

I recently finished Gayle Forman's lovely YA novel, JUST ONE DAY. It centers on Allyson, a girl who is a summer away from starting college, and the struggles she experiences with her emotional health and some self-actualization over the span of a year. It's lovely, and while I loved being in Allyson's head, the quote I'm going to blab about for a moment actually came from a male character in the book that goes by the name Dee.

He and Allyson are having a rather intense discussion about who they are, and this exchange happens:

"You know," I begin, "you don't have to do that with me. The voices. You can just be yourself." 

I mean it as a compliment, so he'll know that I like him as he is. But he doesn't take it that way. He purses his lips and shakes his head. "This is myself, baby. All of my selves. I own each and every one of them. I know who I'm pretending to be and who I am." The look he gives me is withering. "Do you?"

(Just One Day, Gayle Forman, Page 217)

In that one sentence, Dee became so strong, in my mind (not that he wasn't before). He knows who he is. He knows who he isn't, who he's faking for the public. And he's ok with it all. To be honest, I kind of feel like I should find Gayle Forman and buy her coffee just for that line, never mind that Willem and Allyson, who are the main characters in the book in my eyes, are amazing in and of themselves.

And those thoughts about Dee led to this:

03: My thoughts on many members of my generation

I think that, beginning with the younger members of my generation and definitely with those who are just a step removed from my generation, society feels that we're selfish and short-sighted, and often lazy. Never mind the fact that this mentality is overly harsh in many cases, and is absolutely damaging,  but in my experience, at least with people in my age group, it's false.

Here's what I see in my generation:

I see a whole lot of people - a good portion of which are women - unable to reconcile all of their selves. So many people I know are so good at putting themselves last. At dealing with lack. They're good at ignoring the things they need help with or their struggles in favor of letting someone else succeed. I honestly feel that many people in my generation - I'm 30, by the way - are looking for who they are, and many of us are not sure where to go to get that.

And it makes me think: What if everyone had a session with Dee that mirrored that little tidbit between him and Allyson I quoted up there? How many people are actually that self-aware, and beyond that, how many people would truly be that self-accepting?

I've only recently begun to accept this portion of myself, the one that struggles with depression. How many people are operating in lives that are compartmentalized like that?

And how much easier would everything be, internally, if we all could do that, if we could all allow ourselves to just be?

04: The Facebook image. 

Sometimes, the Universe is oddly interconnected for me, and probably for you, too.

So, when my friend Courtney posted this on her Facebook feed today, it seemed so well-timed, given my self-realizations of the last few weeks, my reading of Ms. Forman's lovely book, and the thoughts it garnered:

 

I can't give a source because I don't know where she got it. Sorry, Internets. 

But honestly, I don't think it even requires any explanation, aside from this: 

YES. To all of it. And that thought applies across gender, across ethnicity, across every group and subgroup of humanity. 

Here's to being who we are, my friends. 

Until next time, 

Ang