The kiddo is watching "Brave" again, reviewing the story of her favoritest of all the Disney princesses (and, frankly, Merida's probably my favorite, too, with Tiana coming in at a very close second), so I thought I'd take some time to blab about some decisions I've recently made. As a warning, this blog is of a really personal nature.
First, we're having a pretty large amount of financial strife at present, and we have, really, for what seems like years. Really, it originated back in mid-2009, when my job was outsourced to India, and I faced nearly 5 months of unemployment. That was a really rough period in our lives, suffice to say. Thanks to many variables, including no less than 3 lay offs experienced by K in 2011, I don't feel like we've ever even come close to recovering. This would all be frustrating and perhaps debilitating enough, but it's made potentially doubly so now, because we're both working, and we still don't seem to be able to make a dent in the things we want so badly to be out from under. However, this is what I've realized:
I've become resigned.
I've gotten to the point where I'm past wanting to buy a house, even though it's what K and I really want, what B deserves. I'm bloody sick of being in an apartment, but my credit blows a big one, and there's nothing I can do, at present, to fix it. I've gotten to the point where I'm done worrying about all of it. I've gotten to the point where almost nothing - none of the absurd financial things that seem to continue happening, no matter how little money we actually spend - ruffles my feathers anymore. Yes, it all sucks. Yes, I wish it was different. Yes, I'm aware that part of this problem is that, for at least the last 3-4 years, I've been consistently paid less than I deserve, based on my education and experience. But we don't seem to be able to move forward, so we do with what's there, and that's all we can do.
Yes, I want better for us. But it doesn't seem possible for now, so, I guess, whatever. That may be a sad thought. But honestly, for the sake of my sanity, I can't really consider it any other way right now. And I feel at least ok about it.
Maybe I'll go buy a lottery ticket. ;)
Moving on.
Second, I've decided that May 1st, I'm getting back on the dietary bandwagon. I'm going to attempt to do what is now being considered Paleo (sort of). What I mean is that I'm going to try to kick a lot of the processed crap out of my diet, and I want to re-up my water intake. We'll see how it goes. I'm also going to try to get back to working out 3 times a week, even if that just means taking a long walk with the kiddo in the evenings. I weigh significantly more than people generally think I do, and I want to change that. I want to be where I want to be; as it stands, I'm comfortable as I am, but I want to be healthier, and if I want to change, I've got to do something about it.
What's really unfortunate is that eating healthy is expensive as shit, which is so ridiculous, but what can you do? We'll do the best we can do.
Third, I've had a lot of issue as of late being able to find the focus I need to write. I don't know what that means. It's a little scary, to be honest, but I've been in a similar position before, and I hope this is just fleeting (for lack of a better phrase - the writer's block has never lasted this long before). A lot of it comes from my taking issue with the industry itself right now, and that set of issues isn't going anywhere, so I am either going to have to get over it on my own or just shove through my irritation.
Fourth, I feel like, for the last few years, the status of many of my friendships has been in flux. This is something I'm learning to deal with on my own. I'm adjusting, learning how to deal with feelings of exclusion and the like, and I feel like I've grown stronger because of it. I'm spending more time at home without complaint (though, I'll be honest, sometimes, I just need to get OUT), and thanks to these developments, I've learned who my true, real life friends are. And because my friends are more like family than most of my actual family, this is a good lesson to have learned.
What's funny is that I know that a good portion of this blog could be considered negative. Maybe you're worried that I'm feeling bad about life or something right now. But I promise you: I'm not. I feel fine. I'm alive, I'm still breathing, my kid has food to eat, my husband and I genuinely love one another (which is significantly more than some can say), I have a job that I enjoy about 90% of the time, and HEB makes a really delicious brew of coffee that I can make whenever, wherever.
Really, I'm not sure you can expect much more from life.
Til next time,
-A
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