Brain Dump 1.0

The kiddo is watching "Brave" again, reviewing the story of her favoritest of all the Disney princesses (and, frankly, Merida's probably my favorite, too, with Tiana coming in at a very close second), so I thought I'd take some time to blab about some decisions I've recently made. As a warning, this blog is of a really personal nature.

First, we're having a pretty large amount of financial strife at present, and we have, really, for what seems like years. Really, it originated back in mid-2009, when my job was outsourced to India, and I faced nearly 5 months of unemployment. That was a really rough period in our lives, suffice to say. Thanks to many variables, including no less than 3 lay offs experienced by K in 2011, I don't feel like we've ever even come close to recovering. This would all be frustrating and perhaps debilitating enough, but it's made potentially doubly so now, because we're both working, and we still don't seem to be able to make a dent in the things we want so badly to be out from under. However, this is what I've realized:

I've become resigned.

I've gotten to the point where I'm past wanting to buy a house, even though it's what K and I really want, what B deserves. I'm bloody sick of being in an apartment, but my credit blows a big one, and there's nothing I can do, at present, to fix it. I've gotten to the point where I'm done worrying about all of it. I've gotten to the point where almost nothing - none of the absurd financial things that seem to continue happening, no matter how little money we actually spend - ruffles my feathers anymore. Yes, it all sucks. Yes, I wish it was different. Yes, I'm aware that part of this problem is that, for at least the last 3-4 years, I've been consistently paid less than I deserve, based on my education and experience. But we don't seem to be able to move forward, so we do with what's there, and that's all we can do.

Yes, I want better for us. But it doesn't seem possible for now, so, I guess, whatever. That may be a sad thought. But honestly, for the sake of my sanity, I can't really consider it any other way right now. And I feel at least ok about it.

Maybe I'll go buy a lottery ticket. ;)

Moving on.

Second, I've decided that May 1st, I'm getting back on the dietary bandwagon. I'm going to attempt to do what is now being considered Paleo (sort of). What I mean is that I'm going to try to kick a lot of the processed crap out of my diet, and I want to re-up my water intake. We'll see how it goes. I'm also going to try to get back to working out 3 times a week, even if that just means taking a long walk with the kiddo in the evenings. I weigh significantly more than people generally think I do, and I want to change that. I want to be where I want to be; as it stands, I'm comfortable as I am, but I want to be healthier, and if I want to change, I've got to do something about it.

What's really unfortunate is that eating healthy is expensive as shit, which is so ridiculous, but what can you do? We'll do the best we can do.

Third, I've had a lot of issue as of late being able to find the focus I need to write. I don't know what that means. It's a little scary, to be honest, but I've been in a similar position before, and I hope this is just fleeting (for lack of a better phrase - the writer's block has never lasted this long before). A lot of it comes from my taking issue with the industry itself right now, and that set of issues isn't going anywhere, so I am either going to have to get over it on my own or just shove through my irritation.

Fourth, I feel like, for the last few years, the status of many of my friendships has been in flux. This is something I'm learning to deal with on my own. I'm adjusting, learning how to deal with feelings of exclusion and the like, and I feel like I've grown stronger because of it. I'm spending more time at home without complaint (though, I'll be honest, sometimes, I just need to get OUT), and thanks to these developments, I've learned who my true, real life friends are. And because my friends are more like family than most of my actual family, this is a good lesson to have learned.

What's funny is that I know that a good portion of this blog could be considered negative. Maybe you're worried that I'm feeling bad about life or something right now. But I promise you: I'm not. I feel fine. I'm alive, I'm still breathing, my kid has food to eat, my husband and I genuinely love one another (which is significantly more than some can say), I have a job that I enjoy about 90% of the time, and HEB makes a really delicious brew of coffee that I can make whenever, wherever.

Really, I'm not sure you can expect much more from life.

Til next time,
-A

4 Simple Goals

a friend of mine follows the blog A Beautiful Mess, which i, myself, have recently started following as well. in a post there, they spoke of coming up with four action-oriented goals for the remainder of the year - they should be things you actively do regularly before 2013 is upon us.

as i read my friend's goals, as well as those listed on A Beautiful Mess, i was struck with the simplicity of them, and how ingenious it is to think of 4 items that are easy to do but also improve your quality of life with minimal effort.

and how that minimal required effort is often why those things get pushed to the side or even off the to-do list entirely.

life's about to change in a big way for my family and me, and after spending the afternoon thinking about this simple idea, i've come up with my own four simple goals. (i'm a bit wordy here. sorry.)

via

one: go outside. 

on november 17th, we're moving back to texas. this isn't news, not really, and we're excited about it, but here's the deal: tennessee is gorgeous. i mean, like, jaw-droppingly gorgeous, and in a way that texas is not. texas is all rolling hills and pale green and brown with lovely blue skies. tennessee is mountains topped with treelines and deep greens and grays. 

i need to get out in it more while it's available to me. and so i shall. perhaps i'll snap some photos to blog as documentation of said gorgeousness.

two: spend my morning commute in quiet. 

several years ago, i was an active churchgoer. for reasons i won't list out here, i am not any longer. but at one point in my history, a leader challenged me to spend time in what he called silence and solitude, and the mental clarity that i was able to garner as a result of spending intentional time alone and in my own kind of quiet was impressive.

my morning commute isn't terribly long, but it is arguably the only me-time i get every day where i am absolutely alone; therefore, it will do. so now, more often than not, i hope my mornings are just me, some good tunes, and perhaps a bit more mental clarity.

three: have quality time with both my husband and daughter every day. 

i know that this seems like a no brainer, but frankly, life is busy and it's easy to let this slide.

but i shouldn't.

so, let me clarify a couple things, because for me, there are two different meanings at play here:

for time spent with my daughter, quality time means letting go of being mama for a minute and playing and engaging her without any real direction. just be with her, love on her, and enjoy every second, because she's growing up too damn fast. for my husband, it means actively devoting time to him. whether that's reading together or watching some documentary with him because it's suddenly struck his interest, or debating (ok, usually agreeing 100%) about politics, i don't care, i just don't want us to be in our own little worlds every night after spending all day apart, and it's easy to let that happen. after all, he's incredibly intelligent and i think he's pretty cute. time spent in his company is never wasted.

quality time. the end.

four: watch doctor who. 

i am sure someone somewhere is laughing at me for this, but the thing is? the happiness that doctor who brings me is deliciously nerdy and i've never experienced such deep-seated love for a fictional character as i have for the doctor. so, despite the fact that the show has also (recently) proven that it can rip my heart into shreds, i adore it.

i really do.

and i have 4 seasons left, and a pretty epic crush on david tennant. so, yay for nerdy british television. best.

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i'm hoping that next time i blog about this subject, i've actually acted on this list. outlook is good, i'd say. :)

do you have any simple goals you'd like to reach by year end?