letting go

i'll warn that what you're about to read is a ramble of the worst kind, but hey, it's my blog, right? rambling is probably just fine.

it's strange, isn't it, when your friends become friends, and then sort of drop you like it's nothing. or when you suddenly realize that you're the outsider when you used to be the connective glue that held some other things together. when you realize that there's not much you can really do, either, because things have changed and that's just how it is.

it's the feeling that you're unimportant to people you used to matter to that smarts the most.

it's funny, because for a good number of years, i was certain that these sort of realizations were behind me, something i dealt with just after high school and then everything settled down, all lovely and comfortable and such. but the truth is that i'm dealing with this in a handful of arenas in my personal life at present, and it's really strange how much the constant flow of social media has to do with my awareness of this phenomena in my life. it's one of those things that i know i wouldn't be as cognizant of if everything wasn't so right-at-my-fingertips, if "likes" and facebook statuses and tweets and the like were not a thing.

this idea of whether social media helps or hinders life is something that can be debated in circles, probably forever, and i'd argue that it does both. i'd also say that, for some, social media gives a false sense of intimacy and for others a false sense of distance. it's a weird world we're living in, isn't it?

it really, really is.

i don't mean to sound like i'm sitting in my living room pouting about how much of a sad panda i am, but it's just been a hard thing to process for me, for a plethora of reasons i won't outline here. i have probably needed to say something, somewhere, for a good chunk of time at this point. so here i am, venting a little of the self-propelled angst i've been contemplating as of late.

the lovely thing - the silver lining, if you will - is that through this rather intense life lesson, i've learned that, though the truly strong, grounded relationships that remain in my life are few - - they are there. and they are real. and i appreciate those few folks more than words can really say. and as for the rest...

i'm learning how to let go.

this isn't to say that i won't be available if there is ever a time that the waning friendships begin to redevelop or even start to become something new and fresh, but for my sanity, for my emotional well being, and for my peace of mind...

i'm learning to let go. and while i can't say that it necessarily feels good at this point, it feels necessary, and that feels good.

that is all.

4 Simple Goals

a friend of mine follows the blog A Beautiful Mess, which i, myself, have recently started following as well. in a post there, they spoke of coming up with four action-oriented goals for the remainder of the year - they should be things you actively do regularly before 2013 is upon us.

as i read my friend's goals, as well as those listed on A Beautiful Mess, i was struck with the simplicity of them, and how ingenious it is to think of 4 items that are easy to do but also improve your quality of life with minimal effort.

and how that minimal required effort is often why those things get pushed to the side or even off the to-do list entirely.

life's about to change in a big way for my family and me, and after spending the afternoon thinking about this simple idea, i've come up with my own four simple goals. (i'm a bit wordy here. sorry.)

via

one: go outside. 

on november 17th, we're moving back to texas. this isn't news, not really, and we're excited about it, but here's the deal: tennessee is gorgeous. i mean, like, jaw-droppingly gorgeous, and in a way that texas is not. texas is all rolling hills and pale green and brown with lovely blue skies. tennessee is mountains topped with treelines and deep greens and grays. 

i need to get out in it more while it's available to me. and so i shall. perhaps i'll snap some photos to blog as documentation of said gorgeousness.

two: spend my morning commute in quiet. 

several years ago, i was an active churchgoer. for reasons i won't list out here, i am not any longer. but at one point in my history, a leader challenged me to spend time in what he called silence and solitude, and the mental clarity that i was able to garner as a result of spending intentional time alone and in my own kind of quiet was impressive.

my morning commute isn't terribly long, but it is arguably the only me-time i get every day where i am absolutely alone; therefore, it will do. so now, more often than not, i hope my mornings are just me, some good tunes, and perhaps a bit more mental clarity.

three: have quality time with both my husband and daughter every day. 

i know that this seems like a no brainer, but frankly, life is busy and it's easy to let this slide.

but i shouldn't.

so, let me clarify a couple things, because for me, there are two different meanings at play here:

for time spent with my daughter, quality time means letting go of being mama for a minute and playing and engaging her without any real direction. just be with her, love on her, and enjoy every second, because she's growing up too damn fast. for my husband, it means actively devoting time to him. whether that's reading together or watching some documentary with him because it's suddenly struck his interest, or debating (ok, usually agreeing 100%) about politics, i don't care, i just don't want us to be in our own little worlds every night after spending all day apart, and it's easy to let that happen. after all, he's incredibly intelligent and i think he's pretty cute. time spent in his company is never wasted.

quality time. the end.

four: watch doctor who. 

i am sure someone somewhere is laughing at me for this, but the thing is? the happiness that doctor who brings me is deliciously nerdy and i've never experienced such deep-seated love for a fictional character as i have for the doctor. so, despite the fact that the show has also (recently) proven that it can rip my heart into shreds, i adore it.

i really do.

and i have 4 seasons left, and a pretty epic crush on david tennant. so, yay for nerdy british television. best.

-

i'm hoping that next time i blog about this subject, i've actually acted on this list. outlook is good, i'd say. :)

do you have any simple goals you'd like to reach by year end?

update: querying process

so, i wrote a book.

and when i finished it, i was all, "yesssssss, i wrote a book, oh-em-gee, amazing!" right? i was (am) so proud, and it's 74000 words of YA fantasy, which is (to be honest) a genre that i never thought i would write. i love my protagonists, i love where the story is going, and i love that the story arc itself challenges and excites me.

i sent it to some people for feedback, and then made a quick pass of edits to get it cleaned up a bit. then, a few weeks ago, i send the quick-edited draft to a friend who is an editor by trade for a comprehensive check of grammar and the writing in general.

all of this editing?

it's to prep the manuscript as best as i can for the querying process.

in the event that anyone reading this doesn't know what that is: querying is the process of sending a summary of your work to various agents in an attempt to find representation for yourself, as an author. this representation could be for a single work, but really, most agents want to represent an author's entire body of works - including current and future projects.

so, here's the tricky bit:

your query letter summary should be... oh, 200 words. maybe 300, if you're pushing it. because the whole thing should be no more than 500 words.

this is difficult at best. i'm sure you can imagine why, but let me just list a few reasons:

• as an author, you probably want to include more than is necessary
• you never really know what will catch peoples' interest
• every. single. word. better be perfect. 

and and and!

it's not abnormal to get rejection after rejection before you find that one agent that will represent your work and believes in you and your skill. as an example, a dear friend of mine is going to be published next may, and if you ask me, her manuscript is gorgeously and crisply written, is really quite original, and includes a really strong storyline, and she was rejected 60 times before she received an offer for representation.

so, you know... super fun.

but there's a huge reason that i'm willing to put myself through this, and it's huge:

most major publishing houses will only considered agented manuscripts.

there's a million reasons for this, but i'm almost positive that most of them have to do with the inherent quality of an agented manuscript versus those that are not.

so, where am i in this process?

my query summary is drafted. i'm taking a few days away from it to come back and review it, and then i'll be putting the rest of the letter together for emailing. i have a list of about fifteen agents that i'll be querying initially, and i'll be looking up at least fifteen more. the plan, right now, is to send out 10 at a time, once a week.

basically:

this will be (and is, even preemptively) me:

via

because i'll be a hot mess, its likely that i will want an exorbitant amount of this: 

 

via 

meanwhile, all the agents will be like this: 

 

via

i'm only sort of kidding.

side note: ryan gosling, you are a sexy beast. 

anyway, back on topic:

querying. yes, the very thought makes me nauseous, but this is a step toward my dream of having a proper writing career, and so it simply is what it is. the fact that my entire career is based on this very brief letter only increases my desire that this letter be spot-on-freaking-perfect.

is there something you want to do in your life that makes you as anxious as this makes me?