The kiddo is watching "Brave" again, reviewing the story of her favoritest of all the Disney princesses (and, frankly, Merida's probably my favorite, too, with Tiana coming in at a very close second), so I thought I'd take some time to blab about some decisions I've recently made. As a warning, this blog is of a really personal nature.
First, we're having a pretty large amount of financial strife at present, and we have, really, for what seems like years. Really, it originated back in mid-2009, when my job was outsourced to India, and I faced nearly 5 months of unemployment. That was a really rough period in our lives, suffice to say. Thanks to many variables, including no less than 3 lay offs experienced by K in 2011, I don't feel like we've ever even come close to recovering. This would all be frustrating and perhaps debilitating enough, but it's made potentially doubly so now, because we're both working, and we still don't seem to be able to make a dent in the things we want so badly to be out from under. However, this is what I've realized:
I've become resigned.
I've gotten to the point where I'm past wanting to buy a house, even though it's what K and I really want, what B deserves. I'm bloody sick of being in an apartment, but my credit blows a big one, and there's nothing I can do, at present, to fix it. I've gotten to the point where I'm done worrying about all of it. I've gotten to the point where almost nothing - none of the absurd financial things that seem to continue happening, no matter how little money we actually spend - ruffles my feathers anymore. Yes, it all sucks. Yes, I wish it was different. Yes, I'm aware that part of this problem is that, for at least the last 3-4 years, I've been consistently paid less than I deserve, based on my education and experience. But we don't seem to be able to move forward, so we do with what's there, and that's all we can do.
Yes, I want better for us. But it doesn't seem possible for now, so, I guess, whatever. That may be a sad thought. But honestly, for the sake of my sanity, I can't really consider it any other way right now. And I feel at least ok about it.
Maybe I'll go buy a lottery ticket. ;)
Moving on.
Second, I've decided that May 1st, I'm getting back on the dietary bandwagon. I'm going to attempt to do what is now being considered Paleo (sort of). What I mean is that I'm going to try to kick a lot of the processed crap out of my diet, and I want to re-up my water intake. We'll see how it goes. I'm also going to try to get back to working out 3 times a week, even if that just means taking a long walk with the kiddo in the evenings. I weigh significantly more than people generally think I do, and I want to change that. I want to be where I want to be; as it stands, I'm comfortable as I am, but I want to be healthier, and if I want to change, I've got to do something about it.
What's really unfortunate is that eating healthy is expensive as shit, which is so ridiculous, but what can you do? We'll do the best we can do.
Third, I've had a lot of issue as of late being able to find the focus I need to write. I don't know what that means. It's a little scary, to be honest, but I've been in a similar position before, and I hope this is just fleeting (for lack of a better phrase - the writer's block has never lasted this long before). A lot of it comes from my taking issue with the industry itself right now, and that set of issues isn't going anywhere, so I am either going to have to get over it on my own or just shove through my irritation.
Fourth, I feel like, for the last few years, the status of many of my friendships has been in flux. This is something I'm learning to deal with on my own. I'm adjusting, learning how to deal with feelings of exclusion and the like, and I feel like I've grown stronger because of it. I'm spending more time at home without complaint (though, I'll be honest, sometimes, I just need to get OUT), and thanks to these developments, I've learned who my true, real life friends are. And because my friends are more like family than most of my actual family, this is a good lesson to have learned.
What's funny is that I know that a good portion of this blog could be considered negative. Maybe you're worried that I'm feeling bad about life or something right now. But I promise you: I'm not. I feel fine. I'm alive, I'm still breathing, my kid has food to eat, my husband and I genuinely love one another (which is significantly more than some can say), I have a job that I enjoy about 90% of the time, and HEB makes a really delicious brew of coffee that I can make whenever, wherever.
Really, I'm not sure you can expect much more from life.
Til next time,
-A
Showing posts with label rambling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rambling. Show all posts
Sunday, 28 April 2013
Thursday, 21 February 2013
In Which There is a Cloud of Emo
Once again, I'm using this blog as a place to empty all the whirling, twisting thoughts in my head.
There's no need to get into the detail, but it seems that everywhere I turn, I'm reminded of my inadequacies. It seems that I'm surrounded by lack instead of fulfillment, and it's getting harder and harder to shake those feelings off and keep my chin up.
With increasing regularity, good news is almost immediately voided by bad news in my life, and it's wearing me down, down, down, to the point where, presently, I feel that my grip on contentment is tenuous at best.
It's not a matter of my mental place being depressed; it's a matter of ceaseless difficulties in various arenas of life wearing on me, and I'm so. very. tired. It's a bit like my will to fight it all off has been chipped away into it's weakest form. I dislike this weakness more than I can say.
Really, this blog is just an FYI to say that if I seem distant, that's why. While the old adage "this too shall pass" is one I'm wholly aware of, I feel that it's a bit of a joke with regard to my life, at present. And, because I don't want to be a Cloud of Emo all over the place, I tend to withdraw when I'm feeling permanently stressed, which is what's been going on for at least 4 months at this point. And in varying degrees since 2009, before that.
Suffice to say, I've been having a rough time for a long time, and I'm tired.
Good thoughts are appreciated.
- A
There's no need to get into the detail, but it seems that everywhere I turn, I'm reminded of my inadequacies. It seems that I'm surrounded by lack instead of fulfillment, and it's getting harder and harder to shake those feelings off and keep my chin up.
With increasing regularity, good news is almost immediately voided by bad news in my life, and it's wearing me down, down, down, to the point where, presently, I feel that my grip on contentment is tenuous at best.
It's not a matter of my mental place being depressed; it's a matter of ceaseless difficulties in various arenas of life wearing on me, and I'm so. very. tired. It's a bit like my will to fight it all off has been chipped away into it's weakest form. I dislike this weakness more than I can say.
Really, this blog is just an FYI to say that if I seem distant, that's why. While the old adage "this too shall pass" is one I'm wholly aware of, I feel that it's a bit of a joke with regard to my life, at present. And, because I don't want to be a Cloud of Emo all over the place, I tend to withdraw when I'm feeling permanently stressed, which is what's been going on for at least 4 months at this point. And in varying degrees since 2009, before that.
Suffice to say, I've been having a rough time for a long time, and I'm tired.
Good thoughts are appreciated.
- A
Monday, 11 February 2013
letting go
i'll warn that what you're about to read is a ramble of the worst kind, but hey, it's my blog, right? rambling is probably just fine.
it's strange, isn't it, when your friends become friends, and then sort of drop you like it's nothing. or when you suddenly realize that you're the outsider when you used to be the connective glue that held some other things together. when you realize that there's not much you can really do, either, because things have changed and that's just how it is.
it's the feeling that you're unimportant to people you used to matter to that smarts the most.
it's funny, because for a good number of years, i was certain that these sort of realizations were behind me, something i dealt with just after high school and then everything settled down, all lovely and comfortable and such. but the truth is that i'm dealing with this in a handful of arenas in my personal life at present, and it's really strange how much the constant flow of social media has to do with my awareness of this phenomena in my life. it's one of those things that i know i wouldn't be as cognizant of if everything wasn't so right-at-my-fingertips, if "likes" and facebook statuses and tweets and the like were not a thing.
this idea of whether social media helps or hinders life is something that can be debated in circles, probably forever, and i'd argue that it does both. i'd also say that, for some, social media gives a false sense of intimacy and for others a false sense of distance. it's a weird world we're living in, isn't it?
it really, really is.
i don't mean to sound like i'm sitting in my living room pouting about how much of a sad panda i am, but it's just been a hard thing to process for me, for a plethora of reasons i won't outline here. i have probably needed to say something, somewhere, for a good chunk of time at this point. so here i am, venting a little of the self-propelled angst i've been contemplating as of late.
the lovely thing - the silver lining, if you will - is that through this rather intense life lesson, i've learned that, though the truly strong, grounded relationships that remain in my life are few - - they are there. and they are real. and i appreciate those few folks more than words can really say. and as for the rest...
i'm learning how to let go.
this isn't to say that i won't be available if there is ever a time that the waning friendships begin to redevelop or even start to become something new and fresh, but for my sanity, for my emotional well being, and for my peace of mind...
i'm learning to let go. and while i can't say that it necessarily feels good at this point, it feels necessary, and that feels good.
that is all.
it's strange, isn't it, when your friends become friends, and then sort of drop you like it's nothing. or when you suddenly realize that you're the outsider when you used to be the connective glue that held some other things together. when you realize that there's not much you can really do, either, because things have changed and that's just how it is.
it's the feeling that you're unimportant to people you used to matter to that smarts the most.
it's funny, because for a good number of years, i was certain that these sort of realizations were behind me, something i dealt with just after high school and then everything settled down, all lovely and comfortable and such. but the truth is that i'm dealing with this in a handful of arenas in my personal life at present, and it's really strange how much the constant flow of social media has to do with my awareness of this phenomena in my life. it's one of those things that i know i wouldn't be as cognizant of if everything wasn't so right-at-my-fingertips, if "likes" and facebook statuses and tweets and the like were not a thing.
this idea of whether social media helps or hinders life is something that can be debated in circles, probably forever, and i'd argue that it does both. i'd also say that, for some, social media gives a false sense of intimacy and for others a false sense of distance. it's a weird world we're living in, isn't it?
it really, really is.
i don't mean to sound like i'm sitting in my living room pouting about how much of a sad panda i am, but it's just been a hard thing to process for me, for a plethora of reasons i won't outline here. i have probably needed to say something, somewhere, for a good chunk of time at this point. so here i am, venting a little of the self-propelled angst i've been contemplating as of late.
the lovely thing - the silver lining, if you will - is that through this rather intense life lesson, i've learned that, though the truly strong, grounded relationships that remain in my life are few - - they are there. and they are real. and i appreciate those few folks more than words can really say. and as for the rest...
i'm learning how to let go.
this isn't to say that i won't be available if there is ever a time that the waning friendships begin to redevelop or even start to become something new and fresh, but for my sanity, for my emotional well being, and for my peace of mind...
i'm learning to let go. and while i can't say that it necessarily feels good at this point, it feels necessary, and that feels good.
that is all.
Sunday, 23 September 2012
a new start
over the last ten years or so, i've probably had twenty different blogs. it all started with livejournal (i'm old, apparently) and continued to build from there. it's been a long, twisty road, and i was never able to keep up any real sort of commitment to any of the blogs i've had, whether they were a real, official blog or something as simple as tumblr.
perhaps i'm a bit slow, but i've just realized that the reason for this - the reason i could never stay motivated to post regularly - is because i always, always, always shoved myself into a corner, content-wise. all of the blogs have had themes instead of just being a place where i can deposit my mind's meandering thoughts whenever i see fit.
novel idea, i know.
so that's the goal here.
(side note: if you read any of the other 8 bajillion blogs i've been a part of, please note that they are all closed. another side note: an additional goal for this blog is to use it before, during, and after i (hopefully) attain a publishing deal, so i'm doing the initial thing for now, as i intend to use a pen name if i ever get a book deal.)
a few more impacting things you should know, in no particular order:
i've acquired a recent affinity for typing in all lowercase letters. perhaps this has something to with my daughter (who is 4) preferring them to capitals. or maybe my pinkies are tired of hitting the shift button, and we all know caps locking all the time is just plain rude.
i'm an aspiring YA author. my current project is fantasy, the first book in a trilogy, and i'll be querying for agent representation soon. (i do not, however, type my books in all lowercase letters. in case you were wondering. (although that really worked for david levithan and john green in WG,WG.)
i am a wife, a mother, a big sister, a friend, and a foodie. also, i'm somewhat obsessed with coffee in varying forms, but i'm convinced that once one declares oneself a writer, that comes with the territory.
i read obsessively. my to-be-read pile is currently over 120 books, and still growing.
i currently live in nashville, tennessee, but will soon be relocating back to my hometown of austin, texas, and i'm pretty excited about it.
i feel compelled to say that i'm not entirely sold on this blog background, and i may have a friend create one for me.
topics on this blog will likely range from books to writing to pop culture to genuinely nerdy, flaily posts about whatever may happen to come up. i'm contemplating a few different sort of theme post things, and will start posting soon. there will definitely be updates as i go through the querying process, and if you'd like me to talk about anything specific, feel free to ask.
also, this is one of the (very few) television shows that can keep my interest:
also-also, this blog url was taken from the song "in my eyes" by robyn.
if you're still here, i'd like you to know that there is fresh lemonade and a pile of homemade cookies just down the hall.
thanks for stopping by. won't you stay a while?
hearts,
b
perhaps i'm a bit slow, but i've just realized that the reason for this - the reason i could never stay motivated to post regularly - is because i always, always, always shoved myself into a corner, content-wise. all of the blogs have had themes instead of just being a place where i can deposit my mind's meandering thoughts whenever i see fit.
novel idea, i know.
so that's the goal here.
(side note: if you read any of the other 8 bajillion blogs i've been a part of, please note that they are all closed. another side note: an additional goal for this blog is to use it before, during, and after i (hopefully) attain a publishing deal, so i'm doing the initial thing for now, as i intend to use a pen name if i ever get a book deal.)
a few more impacting things you should know, in no particular order:
i've acquired a recent affinity for typing in all lowercase letters. perhaps this has something to with my daughter (who is 4) preferring them to capitals. or maybe my pinkies are tired of hitting the shift button, and we all know caps locking all the time is just plain rude.
i'm an aspiring YA author. my current project is fantasy, the first book in a trilogy, and i'll be querying for agent representation soon. (i do not, however, type my books in all lowercase letters. in case you were wondering. (although that really worked for david levithan and john green in WG,WG.)
i am a wife, a mother, a big sister, a friend, and a foodie. also, i'm somewhat obsessed with coffee in varying forms, but i'm convinced that once one declares oneself a writer, that comes with the territory.
i read obsessively. my to-be-read pile is currently over 120 books, and still growing.
i currently live in nashville, tennessee, but will soon be relocating back to my hometown of austin, texas, and i'm pretty excited about it.
i feel compelled to say that i'm not entirely sold on this blog background, and i may have a friend create one for me.
topics on this blog will likely range from books to writing to pop culture to genuinely nerdy, flaily posts about whatever may happen to come up. i'm contemplating a few different sort of theme post things, and will start posting soon. there will definitely be updates as i go through the querying process, and if you'd like me to talk about anything specific, feel free to ask.
also, this is one of the (very few) television shows that can keep my interest:
also-also, this blog url was taken from the song "in my eyes" by robyn.
if you're still here, i'd like you to know that there is fresh lemonade and a pile of homemade cookies just down the hall.
thanks for stopping by. won't you stay a while?
hearts,
b
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