101/1001: #34 - Attend my Graduation Ceremony

Well, it's done. After a lot of back and forth on my part about whether to attend or not, I did it, at the behest of a handful of the most important people in my life. And in the end, it didn't matter than I've been done with this part of my life for a year, because the people I love most were there, and they are the reason I was even able to finish this damn thing anyway.

Also, sometimes, your family gives you things that are perfect:

taken with my OG iPhone.

And sometimes, they write things that make you cry:

taken with my OG iPhone.

And now, to get moving on completing my application for Graduate school - all they need from me is transcripts.

Cheers, y'all.

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Not Hyperbole at All

Well, I'd like to thank the people who said something to me, either in real life or via blog comment, about the last post here. It's good to know that people are here, that they're reading the words I throw into my blog posts, and honestly, 'outing' myself makes me feel a little more free, somehow.

I'm not sure how or why, but I've felt a sort of weight lessen, like not admitting that I struggle with depression was holding me down, in a way. I don't know.

I won't lie. Last night wasn't really a good night for me. But I'm ok today, and I'll be ok tomorrow. And that's how it is.

I won't make any promises that my next post will be all sunshine and roses, but I want to talk a little bit more about my dealings with depression in this post, because sometimes, I read things and they strike a chord and I can't not say something about them, so here we are. Besides, this is my blog. I shall blab about whatever I want, yes? Yes.

Hyperbole and a Half is a blog I've been aware of for quite some time, but her most recent post has been such a GPOY for me that I can't really explain it. She succinctly words some of my thoughts on my depression - because I do have to own it - to the point where all I could do while I read the post was nod and stare at the screen in some form of awe.

The beginning of my depression had been nothing but feelings, so the emotional deadening that followed was a welcome relief.  I had always wanted to not give a fuck about anything. I viewed feelings as a weakness — annoying obstacles on my quest for total power over myself. And I finally didn't have to feel them anymore.
But my experiences slowly flattened and blended together until it became obvious that there's a huge difference between not giving a fuck and not being able to give a fuck. Cognitively, you might know that different things are happening to you, but they don't feel very different. (via)

This is me, to a tee. K and I have had a very difficult five years. Every sort of financial problem that you can think of has fallen over us. We moved to get a fresh start, but experienced a lot of the same issues we had in our original location. The strain that came as a result of all the financial woes was compounded by issues with a member of my family that was a never-ending drain on my feelings of self-worth and my feelings about life and where I wanted to be. There were good things, of course - the birth of our daughter is the best thing life has ever granted either of us, we do have a handful of friends who have remained at our side, and for me, there was writing and reading to escape a bit. But still, because of how very difficult life had become, from mid-2009 forward, I was basically in a constant state of stress, strain, and variations of "God, what next?"

At some point in 2012, I realized I was able to stop feeling things. I was able to turn off the freak out, I was able to stop my anxiety, I was able to put on a smile even when I felt like hell. And at first, that seemed like a blessing. It felt like a victory of sorts, because I could stop feeling stressed and beaten up and the numbness was just... well, it was sort of lovely. Then, in late 2012, my marriage hit a wall, and we very nearly separated. In the beginning of this time, I felt nothing.

Let me repeat that: I felt nothing about the possibility of my marriage ending.

Until one day, I did. And that day, we decided to make it work, and we're better and healthier and more honest with each other now than we ever were before, and it's good.

But that got me thinking.

At some point, in hindsight, I realized that I could feel okay. I could feel content, and not strained and sad all the time, but that there was some sort of haze over it, some sort of cloud that kept me at arm's length from every feeling. I realized that this thing that I thought was a sort of blessing in disguise was a curse straight from the pits of hell, because not caring is one thing - not being able to care is a wholly different item.

Further, there was the realization that I felt a strange sense of animosity toward some of my friends - only a handful, who were perpetually happy and refused to allow me not to be. It made me crazy when people tried to put a positive spin on everything, when they wouldn't just let me feel what I felt, even if it was nothing that day. When every day is dull and drab, it's hard to feel like there are sunshine and roses anywhere, and that's all I can say about that.

At first, I'd try to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything — even the things you love, even fun things — and you're horribly bored and lonely, but since you've lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you're stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely, and meaningless it is. (via)

That. So much that.

Thankfully, my daughter has been the exception to this rule in my life. She has the power to make me laugh and cry and smile and forget any of the shit that's holding me down, and even if it piles on top of my head the moment I put her to bed and I'm faced with it again, that makes her the strongest, most wonderful person in the world, in my eyes (on top of the fact that I love her, no matter what).




So here's the thing:

I struggle with depression. Saying "I'm depressed" has become an almost useless statement in our society, I think, because it's used when referring to things that are just a bit of an inconvenience. Are you really depressed when you can't do that one arbitrary thing? No, probably not. So I won't ever refer to my emotional place as that. But it is a battle. Some days are better than others. I love the people in my life. I love where my life is moving. But sometimes, I look out in front of me and I see what looks strangely like the seemingly barren wasteland that is behind me, and I have a hard time putting one foot in front of the other.


And here's where I am:

I am working on regaining some of the hope I used to exist in. I am working on thinking about us owning our own home and traveling together and being able to wake up with a smile on my face. I am working on being more honest about my feelings, outwardly, instead of keeping my real reactions to things in my head. In this same vein, I am working on being honest with my husband instead of shielding him from my struggle because I know he worries more than he'd ever publicly let on.

Basically, this right here:

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No, I'm not all instasmile and permahappy right now, and maybe I'll never be, but for the first time in my entire life, I'm ok with that. I can be content with what I have and where I'm at, yes? And that, my friends, is progress in the right direction.

And now, back to your regularly schedule program. Thanks for reading.

until next time,
ang

In Which I Ramble About Identity

This post is inspired by a few things that would seem unrelated to one another, perhaps to anyone else's eye or mind, but for me, they all correlated, so here we are.

What I'm about to ramble about for a bit is the result of a quote from a YA novel, some self-analysis I've gone through in the last few weeks, my thoughts on many of the people in my generation, and an image that a friend shared on Facebook.

Yes, really.

And we'll start off with something a bit personal, so consider yourself warned.

01: I struggle with depression. 

I don't think you all understand how huge it is for me to actually label it as such. For years at this point, I've known that I tend to get dark and twisty. That once my mind delves into those depths, I often have a hard time shaking it off - - but the fact that I could, in fact, shake it off without assistance from medication, made me think that if I labeled what I experience as depression, it cheapened the very idea of struggling emotional health.

In hindsight, I can see the exact moment in which I began to isolate my mental and emotional struggles from the rest of my self, like they were unworthy of consideration. And really, how sad is it that I considered myself in such a poor light? I'm a strong personality, and I know that. And I've only just recently admitted that I have been doing this for a handful of years at this point.

In hindsight, I can see when my struggles began. It hasn't been a life long thing. I can see where it began, and where it worsened, and where it took me over, and even now, I know that I can shake it off. I am strong in will and mind power, and I can do this. I know I don't need medication, though it's possible that I'll look for a therapist at some point, just to have an outlet.

I've always said that my high degree of self-awareness could be both a blessing and a curse. At this point, I'm still getting used to labeling my struggles as depression, but I think it's a step toward reconciling all the roles I feel that I portray in my life, so I'm ok with it.

02: The quote that made me think. 

I recently finished Gayle Forman's lovely YA novel, JUST ONE DAY. It centers on Allyson, a girl who is a summer away from starting college, and the struggles she experiences with her emotional health and some self-actualization over the span of a year. It's lovely, and while I loved being in Allyson's head, the quote I'm going to blab about for a moment actually came from a male character in the book that goes by the name Dee.

He and Allyson are having a rather intense discussion about who they are, and this exchange happens:

"You know," I begin, "you don't have to do that with me. The voices. You can just be yourself." 

I mean it as a compliment, so he'll know that I like him as he is. But he doesn't take it that way. He purses his lips and shakes his head. "This is myself, baby. All of my selves. I own each and every one of them. I know who I'm pretending to be and who I am." The look he gives me is withering. "Do you?"

(Just One Day, Gayle Forman, Page 217)

In that one sentence, Dee became so strong, in my mind (not that he wasn't before). He knows who he is. He knows who he isn't, who he's faking for the public. And he's ok with it all. To be honest, I kind of feel like I should find Gayle Forman and buy her coffee just for that line, never mind that Willem and Allyson, who are the main characters in the book in my eyes, are amazing in and of themselves.

And those thoughts about Dee led to this:

03: My thoughts on many members of my generation

I think that, beginning with the younger members of my generation and definitely with those who are just a step removed from my generation, society feels that we're selfish and short-sighted, and often lazy. Never mind the fact that this mentality is overly harsh in many cases, and is absolutely damaging,  but in my experience, at least with people in my age group, it's false.

Here's what I see in my generation:

I see a whole lot of people - a good portion of which are women - unable to reconcile all of their selves. So many people I know are so good at putting themselves last. At dealing with lack. They're good at ignoring the things they need help with or their struggles in favor of letting someone else succeed. I honestly feel that many people in my generation - I'm 30, by the way - are looking for who they are, and many of us are not sure where to go to get that.

And it makes me think: What if everyone had a session with Dee that mirrored that little tidbit between him and Allyson I quoted up there? How many people are actually that self-aware, and beyond that, how many people would truly be that self-accepting?

I've only recently begun to accept this portion of myself, the one that struggles with depression. How many people are operating in lives that are compartmentalized like that?

And how much easier would everything be, internally, if we all could do that, if we could all allow ourselves to just be?

04: The Facebook image. 

Sometimes, the Universe is oddly interconnected for me, and probably for you, too.

So, when my friend Courtney posted this on her Facebook feed today, it seemed so well-timed, given my self-realizations of the last few weeks, my reading of Ms. Forman's lovely book, and the thoughts it garnered:

 

I can't give a source because I don't know where she got it. Sorry, Internets. 

But honestly, I don't think it even requires any explanation, aside from this: 

YES. To all of it. And that thought applies across gender, across ethnicity, across every group and subgroup of humanity. 

Here's to being who we are, my friends. 

Until next time, 

Ang

Brain Dump 1.0

The kiddo is watching "Brave" again, reviewing the story of her favoritest of all the Disney princesses (and, frankly, Merida's probably my favorite, too, with Tiana coming in at a very close second), so I thought I'd take some time to blab about some decisions I've recently made. As a warning, this blog is of a really personal nature.

First, we're having a pretty large amount of financial strife at present, and we have, really, for what seems like years. Really, it originated back in mid-2009, when my job was outsourced to India, and I faced nearly 5 months of unemployment. That was a really rough period in our lives, suffice to say. Thanks to many variables, including no less than 3 lay offs experienced by K in 2011, I don't feel like we've ever even come close to recovering. This would all be frustrating and perhaps debilitating enough, but it's made potentially doubly so now, because we're both working, and we still don't seem to be able to make a dent in the things we want so badly to be out from under. However, this is what I've realized:

I've become resigned.

I've gotten to the point where I'm past wanting to buy a house, even though it's what K and I really want, what B deserves. I'm bloody sick of being in an apartment, but my credit blows a big one, and there's nothing I can do, at present, to fix it. I've gotten to the point where I'm done worrying about all of it. I've gotten to the point where almost nothing - none of the absurd financial things that seem to continue happening, no matter how little money we actually spend - ruffles my feathers anymore. Yes, it all sucks. Yes, I wish it was different. Yes, I'm aware that part of this problem is that, for at least the last 3-4 years, I've been consistently paid less than I deserve, based on my education and experience. But we don't seem to be able to move forward, so we do with what's there, and that's all we can do.

Yes, I want better for us. But it doesn't seem possible for now, so, I guess, whatever. That may be a sad thought. But honestly, for the sake of my sanity, I can't really consider it any other way right now. And I feel at least ok about it.

Maybe I'll go buy a lottery ticket. ;)

Moving on.

Second, I've decided that May 1st, I'm getting back on the dietary bandwagon. I'm going to attempt to do what is now being considered Paleo (sort of). What I mean is that I'm going to try to kick a lot of the processed crap out of my diet, and I want to re-up my water intake. We'll see how it goes. I'm also going to try to get back to working out 3 times a week, even if that just means taking a long walk with the kiddo in the evenings. I weigh significantly more than people generally think I do, and I want to change that. I want to be where I want to be; as it stands, I'm comfortable as I am, but I want to be healthier, and if I want to change, I've got to do something about it.

What's really unfortunate is that eating healthy is expensive as shit, which is so ridiculous, but what can you do? We'll do the best we can do.

Third, I've had a lot of issue as of late being able to find the focus I need to write. I don't know what that means. It's a little scary, to be honest, but I've been in a similar position before, and I hope this is just fleeting (for lack of a better phrase - the writer's block has never lasted this long before). A lot of it comes from my taking issue with the industry itself right now, and that set of issues isn't going anywhere, so I am either going to have to get over it on my own or just shove through my irritation.

Fourth, I feel like, for the last few years, the status of many of my friendships has been in flux. This is something I'm learning to deal with on my own. I'm adjusting, learning how to deal with feelings of exclusion and the like, and I feel like I've grown stronger because of it. I'm spending more time at home without complaint (though, I'll be honest, sometimes, I just need to get OUT), and thanks to these developments, I've learned who my true, real life friends are. And because my friends are more like family than most of my actual family, this is a good lesson to have learned.

What's funny is that I know that a good portion of this blog could be considered negative. Maybe you're worried that I'm feeling bad about life or something right now. But I promise you: I'm not. I feel fine. I'm alive, I'm still breathing, my kid has food to eat, my husband and I genuinely love one another (which is significantly more than some can say), I have a job that I enjoy about 90% of the time, and HEB makes a really delicious brew of coffee that I can make whenever, wherever.

Really, I'm not sure you can expect much more from life.

Til next time,
-A

20 Questions

I thought this questionnaire was pretty cool, and my friends over at keysmashblog posted it a couple weeks back. Because I'm pretty fantastically faily right now about keeping up with my eleventy million emailed notifications of new blog posts (and Google Reader is kaput), I thought I'd post my responses here.

1. How do you take your coffee? 
With a good amount of sugar and half and half. Please note that I do not like flavored creamers. Honestly, there's very little I find less appetizing.

2. What is/are your middle name(s)?
Renee. No tilde. 

3. Do you have a side of the bed?
When I'm actually in bed, I prefer to be on the right. 

4. What is your favorite color to wear?
Purple or teal.

5. Do you leave the water running when you brush your teeth?
Sometimes. And by sometimes, I mean: Usually. #waste

6. When you’re home alone are you more often watching TV or listening to music?
Listening to music, unless I'm in the middle of a Doctor Who marathon. For reals.

7. Do you sing in the shower? If so, what songs?
Oddly enough? No. You're all surprised, aren't you?

8. How many times do you hit the snooze button?
Zero, usually. That said, I usually have 3 or so alarms, all set to go off at random times on my phone, so if I ignore one, another is usually coming at some strange interval of time later.

9. If you could change your name would you? If so, to what?
Meh. Angela is alright.

10. Do you crack your knuckles?
I do. It's a rather unfortunate and nasty habit.

11. Do you fall asleep easily?
Depends on what the day was like. There are evenings in which I stare at the ceiling for ages, and others in which I pass out moments after my head hits the pillow.

12. Do you smile at yourself in the mirror?
I do. Who doesn't? 

13. How many pairs of jeans do you own?
Honestly? 4. Yes, that's it. And 2 of them don't fit properly.

14. Do you prefer a firm mattress or a soft mattress?
Firm.

15. How do you like your burgers done?
Eh. Medium-Well, I suppose. Red meat and I aren't really BFFs.

16. What is the newest music you’ve listened to?
One Direction. Don't judge me, monkey.

17. Do you use lip balm?
I'm actually pretty sometime-y with lip balm.

18. Are you good at parallel parking?
Well, I haven't done it since this one time in Nashville almost 2 years ago. I hate it, regardless of whether I'm good at it or not.

19. How often do you Google yourself?
Uh, I think I've done that once. Because no thanks.

20. What kind of bread do you keep in your house?
Wheat, always.

101/1001: #90. Wear false eyelashes

Donezo! I wore false eyelashes while I stood for one of my dearest friends in her wedding. Maid of Honor, baby!

Wheee!

Courtesy of my Instagram Feed.

Can't I wear them every day, forever? Sigh. 

Reading is Cool. Or Something Less Lame Sounding.

I feel that there are two types of readers in the world.

There are those who read because they just love to do it, and there are those who read because they have to do it. That's a key difference in verb usage, and it's intentional.

Many people love to read. It's fun for them to collect books and to fill their free hours with new worlds and stories or histories and real crime. They read their preferred genre, or not. They just really like the way that they get to watch a story unfold right before their eyes, all thanks to a set of pages, bound together.

Believe me when I say that there is obviously nothing wrong with reading because you love it. Isn't that the definition of reading for pleasure? And reading does grant me a good amount of utility. I do love to learn a new world and new characters, and I really enjoy getting to know an author's style, and more often than not, reading inspires my writing in some fashion.

But I don't read because I love it.

I read because I need it.

Yes, really. I need to.

There are a litany of reasons for this, but most of them stem back many years, to when I was a kid growing up mostly by myself after about age 11. I couldn't go anywhere, seeing as I couldn't drive, so what were my options? Books and music (which I'm sure I'll attempt to handle in a different post, because holy jeez) and later, with more seriousness, writing.

From a very young age, I learned that if I wanted a reprieve from the strain of my day-to-day life, all I had to do was slip between the covers of a book. Between the paragraphs on the pages. Between letters in the phrases. I could lose myself that way. I could lose sight of whatever was going on in my life, and unfortunately, there was (with rather alarming regularity) always something negative and dramatic going on in my life. Reading was one of the only ways I could discern that allowed me to leave without ever physically going anywhere and, without my ever realizing it (until much later in life), it very quickly became my primary outlet and sanity keeper. Later, I would begin to write in an attempt to vent all of these feelings out of my head - that started around age 14 - but for a few years, it was me and my books, my books and me. Whether said books were from my then quite meager collection, or borrowed from my school or public library didn't matter. I treasured them. They helped me in a thousand ways. They were my coping mechanism.

And, as an adult, I have realized that in all honesty? Not much has changed.

Take this evening for example: I left work in a rather foul mood, because of a very specific reason. I got home and I was able to (mostly) shake off the ickies and be in a good mood for my kiddo and hubs, but (as the ickies are wont to do) it crept back up on me by about 9PM. By 9:30, I was trying like hell to get lost and wander around in a book, and already, the distraction was helping, nevermind that the book itself isn't actually all that great.

Reading keeps me generally sane. It keeps me focused outwardly as well as in. It helps me cope. And sure, it gives me something to collect, but more importantly, it allows me to find inner peace when everything around me is apeshit and a nasty red color and just plain mean. I need it.

And I really wouldn't have it any other way.

Besides:

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A few updates.

Hey there.

I thought I'd blog quickly, just to give some updates regarding life in general for us, as well as a few big changes that are afoot. I like the word 'afoot;' it makes me giggle. But anyway.

So, here's the list:

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1) I'm still querying, sort of. The thing is, certain events have transpired to really make me think, and at this juncture, I'm not entirely convinced that publishing is an industry I even want to be a part of, in the traditional sense. I won't get into the whys... just know that they are numerous. Therefore, once the queries I've sent out expire, I think I'm going to sit on the manuscript for a while. It's not that I don't love writing - far from it - but to be honest, I'm a bit disenfranchised with several aspects of publishing at present, and I'm doing some soul searching.

2) That said, I am working on a few shorter pieces in my spare time, and that work has made me remember how much I love short fiction. We'll see if that goes anywhere.

3) (And this is a big one...) Ken and I are giving serious consideration to home schooling Bella once she hits first grade. The list of reasons for this is also very lengthy, and because I need somewhere to blab about them and the situation in general, I have a blog dedicated solely to the topic of Classical Education and the process we're going through as we contemplate and move toward it. I want to throw out there that neither of us have a problem with public school, in general. At this point, this is what we want, but I'm not sure how we're going to make it happen financially. (There is a Classical private school in Austin, but they are CRAY-CRAY regarding tuition.) If you go over there to that blog, or you leave a comment about homeschooling here, please leave your hate at the door. Support is what we need, as well as trust that we'll make the best decision for our family.

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4) That said, I have a job opportunity that is very promising, and would drastically change our future if/when it is made official. I appreciate your good thoughts in that regard (and also, I'd appreciate it if you'd all send "HURRY UP ALREADY" thoughts to said job). ;)

Aside from that, Ken is really enjoying his new job (although we've recently learned that he's working with my ex... which is a bit weird for me), and has completed his first session in school. 2 classes down, many more to go, but progress is progress, and I'm very proud of him.



I hope this finds you well and content. Life is too short for anything else.

- a

In Which There is a Cloud of Emo

Once again, I'm using this blog as a place to empty all the whirling, twisting thoughts in my head.

There's no need to get into the detail, but it seems that everywhere I turn, I'm reminded of my inadequacies. It seems that I'm surrounded by lack instead of fulfillment, and it's getting harder and harder to shake those feelings off and keep my chin up.

With increasing regularity, good news is almost immediately voided by bad news in my life, and it's wearing me down, down, down, to the point where, presently, I feel that my grip on contentment is tenuous at best.

It's not a matter of my mental place being depressed; it's a matter of ceaseless difficulties in various arenas of life wearing on me, and I'm so. very. tired. It's a bit like my will to fight it all off has been chipped away into it's weakest form. I dislike this weakness more than I can say.

Really, this blog is just an FYI to say that if I seem distant, that's why. While the old adage "this too shall pass" is one I'm wholly aware of, I feel that it's a bit of a joke with regard to my life, at present. And, because I don't want to be a Cloud of Emo all over the place, I tend to withdraw when I'm feeling permanently stressed, which is what's been going on for at least 4 months at this point. And in varying degrees since 2009, before that.

Suffice to say, I've been having a rough time for a long time, and I'm tired.

Good thoughts are appreciated.

- A

letting go

i'll warn that what you're about to read is a ramble of the worst kind, but hey, it's my blog, right? rambling is probably just fine.

it's strange, isn't it, when your friends become friends, and then sort of drop you like it's nothing. or when you suddenly realize that you're the outsider when you used to be the connective glue that held some other things together. when you realize that there's not much you can really do, either, because things have changed and that's just how it is.

it's the feeling that you're unimportant to people you used to matter to that smarts the most.

it's funny, because for a good number of years, i was certain that these sort of realizations were behind me, something i dealt with just after high school and then everything settled down, all lovely and comfortable and such. but the truth is that i'm dealing with this in a handful of arenas in my personal life at present, and it's really strange how much the constant flow of social media has to do with my awareness of this phenomena in my life. it's one of those things that i know i wouldn't be as cognizant of if everything wasn't so right-at-my-fingertips, if "likes" and facebook statuses and tweets and the like were not a thing.

this idea of whether social media helps or hinders life is something that can be debated in circles, probably forever, and i'd argue that it does both. i'd also say that, for some, social media gives a false sense of intimacy and for others a false sense of distance. it's a weird world we're living in, isn't it?

it really, really is.

i don't mean to sound like i'm sitting in my living room pouting about how much of a sad panda i am, but it's just been a hard thing to process for me, for a plethora of reasons i won't outline here. i have probably needed to say something, somewhere, for a good chunk of time at this point. so here i am, venting a little of the self-propelled angst i've been contemplating as of late.

the lovely thing - the silver lining, if you will - is that through this rather intense life lesson, i've learned that, though the truly strong, grounded relationships that remain in my life are few - - they are there. and they are real. and i appreciate those few folks more than words can really say. and as for the rest...

i'm learning how to let go.

this isn't to say that i won't be available if there is ever a time that the waning friendships begin to redevelop or even start to become something new and fresh, but for my sanity, for my emotional well being, and for my peace of mind...

i'm learning to let go. and while i can't say that it necessarily feels good at this point, it feels necessary, and that feels good.

that is all.

A Bookish Sort of Update

 before all the christmas business starts up, i wanted to post a few updates about a few sorts of booky information.

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1) after a whole lot of personal upheaval/stress/development type stuff, i will be back to editing my novel after this weekend. the goal is to get through it and start querying in january 2013. (if you're reading this, and you read the rough draft of my manuscript, and you're interested in reading the more finessed variation of the book, let me know.) i'm really excited to get back to it and i hope that 2013 is the Year in Which Ang Acquires an Agent as well as the Year in Which Ang Obtains a Publishing Deal.

2) furthermore, but along those same lines, i'll be outlining books 2 and 3 in the series betwixt editing. i'm really excited to get back to my characters, guys. like, really, really.

3) also, i think i'll be back to writing My Beautiful Disaster (tentative title) instead of my murder mystery book once querying begins.

moving on to something a bit different:

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4) i hit my reading stretch goal for the year. as of today, i've read 105 books, which is crazy and awesome. i'll probably read a good bit less next year, as i'll be writing and editing and querying (oh my!) throughout 2013, but i'm still going to aim for 60 books, or 5ish a month.

that's all for now.

:)

Finally Feeling Like Christmas

i won't lie: the weeks leading up to our move back to austin and since our arrival were very difficult. finally, this week, there was a break through of sorts, and things feel like they are more back to normal.

of course, thanks to all the stress, we were sorely lacking in christmas spirit around these parts, and now that we're breathing a little easier, we've finally put up our tree, stockings, and our little christmas countdown, too. additionally, i transcribed my daughter's letter to santa today - in which she asked for nothing crazy! i sort of hoped that she'd ask for something crazy, like a unicorn, but she asked for lalaloopsy dolls, dress up clothes, and books - all pretty standard fare for a girly girl like we've been blessed with.

the hubs and i aren't really going to do christmas this year, given that he's not working yet, and operating on one income is tough, but i thought i'd post a few examples of my favorite kind of christmas decor.

what i really require from holiday decor is for it to feel "home-y". i love this simple color scheme,a nd the fact that the items they chose to decorate with aren't overly flashy (not that I don't love a good sparkle!). 

truthfully, this would never really be an option for me, with a wee one at home, but i think it's stunning and really, quite inventive. i love this mix of media. 

i love love love this idea! so simple and chic.

and, as for a few things that are definitely on my wish list this year?

we don't really have much in the way of christmas traditions, but we do buy new pajamas every year and sleep in them, and this year will be no exception.

do you have any christmas eve/holiday traditions you keep up with every year?

Happy Birthday to Me!

hey-o! 

for my birthday, i thought i'd make a hodgepodge post in which i shoe you a few of my favorite things. so, here we go!

in no particular order:

chuck taylors, because duh.

ben whishaw as Q in skyfall. OHAI BOY.

lattes (particularly with fun foam designs)

Daryl fucking Dixon, yo. Obviously.

Foo. Dave Grohl is cooler than you.

Mumford & Sons.

books.

Ten. (and the TARDIS, i suppose)

Marcus Mumford's lyrics.

and last, but definitely not least:

Cupcakes. Because of reasons.

anyhoo. there's obviously more where that came from, and i forgot to link to the original files, and for that i apologize, but: 

happy birthday to me!

hope you all have a fab day.

my favorite nightmare

anyone who's known me for any period of time can guess what this post is going to be about based solely on the title. i thought it a fitting topic, considering today is halloween!

the rest of you can stay in the dark for a tiny bit longer, yes? yes. here's a little scene setting for you:

it's 1993. i'm 10ish. i see previews for a movie that i want to see so badly, i can hardly see straight.

but movies were never really an option for me as a kid, so i never got to see it.

i am either 10 or 11, and it's early 1994. i'm with my dad at a store, and he's buying a big screen television. i'm wandering the store while he haggles with the guy over price, and lo and behold, the movie is playing on one of their TVs, with audio and everything.

i plop down on a couch (convenient, those living room mock ups are!) and watch half an hour of it, completely enraptured. i am a very unhappy camper when dad makes me leave the store before the movie is over.

the movie i'm talking about, of course, is The Nightmare Before Christmas.

via

still, to this day, i love everything about it. i love the soundtrack, i love the creepy aesthetic, and i love the stop-motion claymation business. (the aesthetic - goth-lite, perhaps? - has always been something i love, though i've never made myself up as such). i love the covers the soundtrack has garnered (especially the Vitamin String Quartet one), and i love the implications of the story for real life.

for me, The Nightmare Before Christmas represents the very best of my childhood; it makes me nostalgic, it makes me happy, and it has always, always spoken to some part of my psyche that it continues to assuage today. in fact, i love almost everything tim burton has ever produced (save for one thing in particular) - edward scissorhands, corpse bride, 9, james and the giant peach ... but Nightmare is my favorite.

and, as proof that the apple often doesn't fall far from the tree? my daughter adores it, too.

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HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY! <3

dear 16-year-old me

inspiration post 1 - inspiration post 2

*~*~*

today is spirit day. though I am not LGBT (lesbian, gay,. bisexual, transgendered) myself, i support their rights, and the rash of suicides the world has seen in the last few years, on top of things like Matthew Shepard's story simply break my heart. to be honest, there are not many social issues that i care more about than equal marriage and adoption rights for the LGBT community. i read a lovely friend's post today, in which she shares some very personal information, and it was the catalyst to my sharing this letter, which i've been holding on to since reading inspiration post #2 last week.

onward and upward, my friends.

 *~*~*

dear sixteen-year-old angela,

believe it or not, one day, you'll go by ang. and you'll sort of prefer it. don't give me that face, girl. i know you better than you do.

at this point, you've only been in austin for a few months, but you love it. you've started over. you're going to church now, for the first time in your life. it's giving you a new sense of purpose, a new set of friends, and a new outlook on life. you're happy at your new high school. soon, you're going to meet the boy that will be your high school sweetheart, and in the next few months, you'll meet a handful of people who are still in your life today, nearly 14 years later.

but i gotta tell you: some things that are going to be pretty terrible are on their way.

one day, the church family you are beginning to love right now will rip you apart. be strong. believe me when i say that this tearing apart of your soul will make you that much more of a fighter. you will make it through.

one day, (as a result of that last item) you'll lose sight of that new focus that you've been able to gain through a relationship with God. your relationship with Christianity will be tenuous at best for a long while.

one day, you're going to experience the pain that comes with the loss of your first love. you'll spend three days in a cloudy haze, and the residual pain from that loss will stick with you for years. it will suck; there's no way around it. (side note? not the aforementioned high school romance.)

one day, you'll get a phone call in which you find out that your stepmother has OD'd and your brother needs brain surgery for the most severe form of epilepsy known to man. the phone call will come from your mostly estranged father. when you feel a strange pull to be there for him, you won't say no. go with it.

life will be hard. you'll be falling apart on the inside. but you won't admit that to anyone. ever.

but one day?

one day, you'll have coffee with a girl from your past, and in that conversation, you'll get to realize that you're really over the heartache caused by that church family. it will be wonderful.

one day, you'll be content with where you and God are. believe that.

one day, you'll meet a man who is nothing you were looking for and everything you need. he'll come into your life after a short string of painful relationships. and he'll be the breath of fresh air you've always been in need of.

side note: one day, you'll get married to that man. and it will be awesome.

one day, you'll have a little girl. she'll be amazing and hilarious and sassy and smart, and you'll wonder how you ever lived without her around. (the answer: life was a lot less wonderful then.)

one day, the relationship you have with your father will make sense. it won't be perfect, but it will be what you've always needed it to be. and you'll lose other key family relationships because toxic is as toxic does. i know you can't fathom that. but once again, i know better than you, girlie. shhh.

one day, you'll realize that those three girls you met when you were sixteen will still be around when you're twenty-nine (and virtually everyone else will have fallen away). they're your rock. don't doubt them - though it will be hard sometimes, because life is never perfect, and neither are people. things happen. those girls? they'll make you realize that family has nothing to do with genetics and everything to do with everything else. also, you'll meet people in the loveliest of strange ways (in line & online, to name a few), and those people will hold you up when you can hardly stand to crawl. and because you'll have been through so much and come out on top, when you're in your early 20s, you'll be able to be that strength for another girl (who will become your "little sister"). life is a reciprocal thing sometimes. paying it forward is amazing every time. true story.

you are strong.

you are smart.

you are talented.

you are beautiful.

don't forget any of this. because by the time you're me?

life is pretty damn sweet.

keep your head up, doll. it's all going to be great.


xoxo,
twenty-nine-year-old ang

p.s. music, books, and writing will only become more and more important to you as you grow older. crazy, right?

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thanks to one of my 3 girls for posting her letter last week and for being there when i was 16 and searching. so much love, J, so much love.

what would you say to your sixteen-year-old self?