dear 16-year-old me

inspiration post 1 - inspiration post 2

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today is spirit day. though I am not LGBT (lesbian, gay,. bisexual, transgendered) myself, i support their rights, and the rash of suicides the world has seen in the last few years, on top of things like Matthew Shepard's story simply break my heart. to be honest, there are not many social issues that i care more about than equal marriage and adoption rights for the LGBT community. i read a lovely friend's post today, in which she shares some very personal information, and it was the catalyst to my sharing this letter, which i've been holding on to since reading inspiration post #2 last week.

onward and upward, my friends.

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dear sixteen-year-old angela,

believe it or not, one day, you'll go by ang. and you'll sort of prefer it. don't give me that face, girl. i know you better than you do.

at this point, you've only been in austin for a few months, but you love it. you've started over. you're going to church now, for the first time in your life. it's giving you a new sense of purpose, a new set of friends, and a new outlook on life. you're happy at your new high school. soon, you're going to meet the boy that will be your high school sweetheart, and in the next few months, you'll meet a handful of people who are still in your life today, nearly 14 years later.

but i gotta tell you: some things that are going to be pretty terrible are on their way.

one day, the church family you are beginning to love right now will rip you apart. be strong. believe me when i say that this tearing apart of your soul will make you that much more of a fighter. you will make it through.

one day, (as a result of that last item) you'll lose sight of that new focus that you've been able to gain through a relationship with God. your relationship with Christianity will be tenuous at best for a long while.

one day, you're going to experience the pain that comes with the loss of your first love. you'll spend three days in a cloudy haze, and the residual pain from that loss will stick with you for years. it will suck; there's no way around it. (side note? not the aforementioned high school romance.)

one day, you'll get a phone call in which you find out that your stepmother has OD'd and your brother needs brain surgery for the most severe form of epilepsy known to man. the phone call will come from your mostly estranged father. when you feel a strange pull to be there for him, you won't say no. go with it.

life will be hard. you'll be falling apart on the inside. but you won't admit that to anyone. ever.

but one day?

one day, you'll have coffee with a girl from your past, and in that conversation, you'll get to realize that you're really over the heartache caused by that church family. it will be wonderful.

one day, you'll be content with where you and God are. believe that.

one day, you'll meet a man who is nothing you were looking for and everything you need. he'll come into your life after a short string of painful relationships. and he'll be the breath of fresh air you've always been in need of.

side note: one day, you'll get married to that man. and it will be awesome.

one day, you'll have a little girl. she'll be amazing and hilarious and sassy and smart, and you'll wonder how you ever lived without her around. (the answer: life was a lot less wonderful then.)

one day, the relationship you have with your father will make sense. it won't be perfect, but it will be what you've always needed it to be. and you'll lose other key family relationships because toxic is as toxic does. i know you can't fathom that. but once again, i know better than you, girlie. shhh.

one day, you'll realize that those three girls you met when you were sixteen will still be around when you're twenty-nine (and virtually everyone else will have fallen away). they're your rock. don't doubt them - though it will be hard sometimes, because life is never perfect, and neither are people. things happen. those girls? they'll make you realize that family has nothing to do with genetics and everything to do with everything else. also, you'll meet people in the loveliest of strange ways (in line & online, to name a few), and those people will hold you up when you can hardly stand to crawl. and because you'll have been through so much and come out on top, when you're in your early 20s, you'll be able to be that strength for another girl (who will become your "little sister"). life is a reciprocal thing sometimes. paying it forward is amazing every time. true story.

you are strong.

you are smart.

you are talented.

you are beautiful.

don't forget any of this. because by the time you're me?

life is pretty damn sweet.

keep your head up, doll. it's all going to be great.


xoxo,
twenty-nine-year-old ang

p.s. music, books, and writing will only become more and more important to you as you grow older. crazy, right?

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thanks to one of my 3 girls for posting her letter last week and for being there when i was 16 and searching. so much love, J, so much love.

what would you say to your sixteen-year-old self?